Yes, Boys Will Be Boys But They Should Also Know What Can Happen to Them

And here we are again. 

I've written on the subject of sexual assault several times, both in K-12 and higher education.

Here's a recent video asking young men and women "if you were guaranteed safety after dark, what would you do?" The women all say, "walk around, stay out late at a club or bar, walk in the park, etc." 

Most of the men are puzzled because they say they feel safe already. Of course they do. 

 

Yes, I am talking about the event at Cornell University. 

I'll start out by saying what I tell young women going off to college/university. 

1) Do not go to frat parties. Parties at frats are a brutal combination of alcohol and group think. 

2) If you must go, take a friend. Stay together, even to go to the bathroom. Leave together. 

3) Do NOT accept any drink that you did not open yourself. Get your own bottle of beer or can of soda and never leave it unattended. And NEVER drink that "magic punch" concoction. 

Know what I would add to the list for ANY student, male, female or non-binary?

Call the real police, not the campus police if a crime is committed against you. Campus police are there primarily to protect the university, not the students. I stand by that statement. 

Also, if you are sexually attacked/assaulted, go directly to a hospital and ask for a SANE (Sexual Assault Nurse Examiner) or a SAFE (Sexual Assault Forensic Examiner). These are:

Registered nurses or nurse practitioners who complete special education to perform physical exams, treat injuries, test for infections, and collect forensic evidence using a rape kit.

 

Here's the story from the student newspaper, The Cornell Daily Sun. To note, what the woman says happened is VERY graphic and upsetting. You are warned. They also issued a bold and brave editorial that is a throwdown to the university. 

Do I think the young woman made some unfortunate choices? I refer back to that video above. Women should be able to wear what they want, drink what they want, and know they can walk around the college campus - day or night - that they pay a lot of money to attend. 

But that is not reality and we women know that. 

I am sad that sororities encourage drinking. The victim says that the bar where her sorority was having a party served her without her having the necessary wristband. 

But what is telling is that when she left her friends, it was not to just go to a frat. She went because she had a friend there. She believed this guy was her friend and would a friend harm you? 

She walked in believing she was safe because she knew this guy. 

I don't want to hear "well, what did she expect if she was out late, drunk, and walking into a frat?" That's bro talk and it just needs to stop.  

This "friend" could see she was drunk and wanted to take advantage. He and another frat guy gave her even more alcohol and then convinced her to try and snort ketamine. This is the drug that Friends actor Mathew Perry had been taking. (He died after using it because he passed out in a hot tub and drowned, unable to save himself.) 

Here's what Ketamine is and does:

Ketamine is a versatile medication primarily classified as a dissociative anesthetic. First synthesized in 1962, it works primarily by blocking NMDA receptors in the brain, which alters the perception of pain, sight, and sound, and induces a trance-like feeling of detachment from one's body and environment.

When taken without medical supervision, it poses dangerous risks of psychological dependence, bladder damage (ketamine-induced cystitis), cognitive reduction, and accidental overdose. Mixing ketamine with alcohol, opioids, or other sedatives significantly increases the risk of fatal respiratory depression. 

I am certain that most of you have talked to your children about drugs. But it's not just taking the drugs but who you are with and where they got that drug. Friends trust friends so when some friend of your kid's says "here's a hit that will send you to the moon, " that sounds good. But they got it from a friend of a friend of their big brother and it is laced with fentanyl. 

If you take a drug that you truly don't know what it is, you've put yourself in a dangerous situation. That's where we are today. Kids and young adults never think it will be them. 

 

Back to Cornell, not only did the first two guys get her to drink more, they forced ketamine on her. You can imagine the state of her brain by then. And there was NO one looking out for her but rather, she was now a fun and useful vessel for the male gaze. 

At this stage, she simply had NO way to give consent. Even if anyone asked, she was not going to be able to think clearly and these two starter guys knew it.  

It's unclear to me who put up the notice on Snapchat that there was "free p***y" at this frat. But five other men came to the room. Her claim is that they all had sex with her without consent, knowing she was incapacitated. 

The point that NONE of the men in the chat called police cannot be overlooked. It would have taken one call.  

She was hazy the next day (and who wouldn't be). It seems it took her quite awhile - about three weeks - to come to the realization that she had been raped and that she did not consent to any sexual activity. She did report it to campus police who clearly did not know what they were doing. You cannot fault the prosecutor for a faulty report that gave no clear grounds with which to charge these men.  

It seems that most of these defendants have lawyered up based on the woman's civil lawsuit against them and the university and the fraternity organization and her sorority chapter and the bar. 

I am astonished that one of the defendants' lawyers says his client just dropped by for a few minutes and even introduced himself to the victim. 

"Hi, I'm Scott and I'm going to be one of your rapists tonight." 

Naturally this has become a page one issue nationally. If you haven't seen the photos of the seven men, it's not hard to find. That both their photos and their names are out there is likely to have done real damage to their reputations.  I guess they were hoping for just the glory for what they participated in and then have some fun laughing and pointing at her as they passed her on campus. 

 

Here's a link to the National Sexual Violence Resource Center. Do NOT think that your daughter is safe as a girl/young woman. She is not. Ask any woman - ask your mom - "Did you ever experience some kind of sexual harassment and/or assault in your lifetime?" The answer might surprise and dismay you. 

Know what's even more important than talking to your daughter?  

Talk to your son.

The number one thing that could help this issue decline is boys and men refusing to join in when friends denigrate or demean women in male conversations. It's this "I'll look weak" issue that keeps men silent. 

And silence can signal complicit approval. 

All it takes is:

"Hey Buddy, I've got a sister (or mother or cousin). Quit saying that shit around me."

That actually makes you look strong sticking up for your loved ones. 

Here's a good article about talking to boys about consent. I think if there is a dad in your son's life, he should have this talk. But whether it's mom or dad, you can expect the "ugh" reaction or eye roll. 

Doesn't matter, have the talk. 

Stress the point that your son will have dramatically harmed a young woman's life if he acted on her inability to consent or resist. 

BUT also tell your son that with today's social media the reality is if you, the perpetrator, get found out, it will damage YOUR life and YOUR opportunities. And there will be nothing your son can do about it.

I mean he can sue her back or publicly state what she is saying is a falsehood. But Google his name and there it will be.